The White Rabbit

No matter how early I wake up, I am constantly chanting, "I'm late. I'm late. I'm late." I am the white rabbit. Perpetually late. And being continuously late has negative consequences on me, my goals, my family, my social life. I really want to alter this way of living... But I'm not sure what needs to change. Or rather how to change.

As I type this I am stranded in a parking lot downtown (thankfully in the middle of the afternoon).  I was running late (think: White Rabbit) this morning on my way to work and did not have time to fill up gas - even though the low gas light was on. "I'll do it first thing on my way home," I thought as I watched the needle drop almost off of the red (as in, past the low gas warning area).

 After work I hop in my car, I'm thinking about the dinner I did not plan and what I'm going to feed the family (keeping in mind that it's 5:45 and I haven't a clue what's for dinner)...  I'm distracted and I forget. I forget to head for a gas station; I forget my minivan has low tolerance for driving with no gas; I forget to look down at the gas gauge. Until I remember. And by now I'm in heavy 6 pm traffic and I need a gas station, STAT.

The needle has dropped off the grid and I know my gas tank will require CPR very soon. iPhone tells me where to go and I try to take the shortest route. With 3 blocks to go, I feel the car do that thing where it's acting like a mule - stubborn to move forewarn and jolting me one inch at a time. I quickly turn the wheel to try to steer out of traffic and into an overpriced downtown parking lot to my right. I crank the wheel and the minivan somewhat takes the turn towards the parking lot. The van feels the slight incline of the ramp and the few drops of gas I have left in the tank moves to the back... the minivan dies.

My butt is sticking out in traffic, my nose is blocking the exit of the parking lot and as if I'm not pissing off enough downtown folk, I've even managed to block all pedestrians. Great, I mutter. Just great. Today, out of all days, I'm wearing a pencil skirt with no stockings and high heels. It's 5 degrees C. I'm wearing a bright pink top and pink scarf and I ran outta gas. I can't believe what a ditz I must look like. I can't even push my own minivan off the road/sidewalk into the parking lot. Typically I have no problem doing stuff like that. I am not afraid to break a nail or to put my back into it. Today I simply can't. I'm cold, embarrassed and ill-equipped for the task that lays before me.

I do the only thing that I can - call Hubby.

He sounds annoyed but willing to rescue me.  I apologize for the inconvenience and thank him for understanding.  He doesn't really understand.  But he is gracious and tells me he'll be right there.

I get why he's upset.  I mean, sure, it happens to all of us once in a while.  But to me it must have happened 3 times in the last 12 months.  No joke.

Once in the middle of an intersection at about 11 pm at night.  I was on my way to meet him at a job site with midnight snacks and a second pair of hands to help finish the job.  I called roadside assistance and finally got out of that over an hour later.  I was so tired by the time I met him well after midnight, that I wasn't much help at all.

Second time was on my way to the gas station again.  On the way home from work.  Again.  And the minivan died about 2 blocks away on a slight uphill climb.  Again.   Hubby came to rescue me that time too.

Third time was in the middle of traffic (again!) in downtown Toronto with my friend.  We were at Spadina and Church (very busy intersection, in the left-hand turing lane) at about 10 pm at night on a Saturday.  We had just finished dinner at a sweet Moroccan restaurant and we were heading back to our hotel. Torontonians were not impressed.  A tow-truck brought gas over an hour later.  My four-ways were on for so long that my battery also died.  So although I had gas, I had no juice.  So the tow-truck had to give me a boost too.  Oh boy!  My friend was not impressed.

And this is the fourth... I'm not surprised he's not impressed.  Either way he is sweet and kind and he is coming.

So now what?  How do I mend my ways?  How do I fix this ridiculous way of being?

Not only do I put off important tasks but I also delay on testing my BG, changing batteries, even taking insulin.  My priorities are pretty mixed up I'd say.  People keep saying, I have to take care of myself in order to help those around me... but I have a hard time accepting that.  Although I understand it to be true - if my sugars are off, there is no way I can be patient with the kiddies or really even make rational decisions.  I know that to be true.  I have seen it happen.  I am a better mom, wife, friend, person when I take care of myself.

And I guess I can try to stop procrastinating... but not today.  Maybe tomorrow.